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Progress Report: I Am Missing You To Death

  • Nov. 19th, 2007 at 2:26 AM
This whole "having roommates" thing makes updating a bitch...add to that all of the crap that's been going on in my life lately on top of that and updating is nearly impossible.

I've been passing out lately.  The first time was two weeks ago tomorrow -- I passed out at the top of the stairs, fell down the stairs, and hit my noggin.  I still have some quality bruises.  Yesterday I passed out in my den.  Friday I almost passed out twice, but when my vision had started blacking out I managed to get to a chair/bed and stick my head between my knees...Lord knows I'm eating, everyone's been pretty much force feeding me since my little journey down the stairs (hence: getting fat.  Super).  I went to the doctor and had all kinds of tests/bloodword/CAT scans/etc. and they're not really telling me anything...except they did say that I need to get my coronic (sp?) artery test and echocardiogram redone because they "didn't come out clear enough," whatever that means.

 This world seems like such a load of bullshit it isnt even funny....I kind of don't see the point anymore.  This dude I knew as an acquaintance from school (I'm good friends with a bunch of his fraternity brothers) got into a car accident...It was just a fender bender, he was totally fine, but then, when he got out of the car to check the damage, he got hit by an 18 wheeler and fucking died...And its just so fucking unfair because this dude had so much ahead of him, he had such great things planned out, he was going to make such a difference in the world, so many people loved him, he was always smiling...and he gets hit by a fucking truck and dies...But while the good people are dying, my shithead abusive ex is reproducing...and while I was explaining what a load of bullshit this all is to a friend of mine, he mentions that a guy that we graduated high school with, who i didn't really know, except that he was nice, GOT SHOT IN THE FUCKING FACE AND DIED because some drunk guy was waving around a gun that he thought wasnt loaded and he accidentally shot the guy.  There's no fucking justice in the world.  None.

my eyes hurt

  • Oct. 31st, 2007 at 2:27 AM
my world
I can't stop crying.  I've been crying on and off all day.  The night is the worst.  My roommates are asleep, and I'm alone, thinking about everything.

The train station is so fucking close.
I wish I had the balls to just lay down on the goddamn tracks and not get up until they scraped me off.

My entire body aches, and my eyes are so swollen they're almost swollen shut.  I know i'm not going to be able to sleep again tonight.

I don't want to hurt like this anymore. 

I don't want to be alive anymore.

  • Oct. 30th, 2007 at 10:02 AM
my world

I just don't.  Life is too much to tolerate, and none of it even makes sense.

It isn't fucking worth it.  It's an endless lonely cycle of useless bullshit and misery....I don't understand the point in doing anything anymore, because it all seems so futile, just a waste of fucking time...Even the litle things that I used to do without really thinking...like showering, washing my hair...I legitimately don't see the point, because you're just going to get dirty again anyway.  Shaving my legs?  It'll just grow back.  Forget makeup and hairstyling and making myself look presentable, I'm too depressed to even practice basic hygeine.  I don't see the point in makeup anyway...I'm just going to cry it off.  Doing laundry is useless.  Wash the clothes, wear the clothes, wash the clothes again, wear the clothes again....Nothing ever lasts.  Everyone is deluding themselves.

Can't sleep lately, yet can't seem to get out of bed either.  Slept for three hours last night, and woke up two or three times during those three hours.  Am currently typing this from my laptop, in bed....Eating has been a back-and-forth mess - emotional binge - feeling too sick to eat - shoving junk food down my throat without tasting it - not having the energy to lift a fork, much less chew and swallow...Emotionally I've been alternating between being completely dead instead and fits of sobbing, which have made my eyes very red, swollen, and owwie.  I have not been fulfilling my responsibilities in any aspect of life.  I didn't go to my cousin's engagement party, even though I'm a bridesmaid, because I didn't have the energy to get out of bed.  Instead I stayed home, cried, and cut myself.  I've been missing classes, and haven't been doing my work.  I have an exam today, and I haven't done anything that's on it.  I tried to start studying last night, quickly realized I knew nothing, started crying, and laid in bed with the covers over my head.  I'm supposed to have two classes later.  The exam is in the second one.  The first one, I haven't done work for all semester even though we have weekly assignments that I keep "FORGETTING" to hand in (read: haven't had the energy/motivation to do).  I don't want to go to either.

I'm supposed to call my therapist in times like these, but I don't want to turn my cellphone on.

So instead I'll just lay here and cry.

I don't think the desire to die has ever been stronger, in my entire life.  If I had enough energy to move, I would go lay down on the train tracks right by my school.  That's fucking easy enough, but, no, I can't move my fat ass because every muscle in my body is in excruciating pain.

I've met a lot of shitty people in my life...but I've never hated anyone as truly, madly, and deeply as I hate myself.

In a very dark place right now...My aunt and uncle are still here, and i'm ruining everything by being in such a foul mood.

I'm a horrendous person.

My ex boyfriend has been texting me.  The one who used to rape me.  Even though my parents found out what happened, and they warned him to never contact me ever again.  I'm so fucking stupid, because I've been texting back.  Even if i'm texting mean, nasty things to him, i'm still encouraging him.

And i'm still letting it get to me.  I could barely sleep last night, i had to turn off my phone to make sure he wouldn't wake me up with calls/texts, and even then i had nightmares and flashbacks and shit.  I feel so sick and miserable and I just want to die because I seriously think thats the only way that this pain will ever go away.

I hate him for making me relive this over and over again...but I hate myself more for letting it happen and for letting him get to me.  I hate myself for being such a coward, and I hate myself because I'm so petty that I can't get over something that fucking happened ages ago.

I took tylenol Pm, to try to sleep and to maybe try to help with the nightmares...bc i didnt really sleep last night or during the day today, i've been too busy shaking and hiding in my room and crying.  It should have kicked in, but i just feel kind of high and even more emotional.

I'm so pathetic.  I'm scared to go to sleep.


  • Aug. 16th, 2007 at 1:53 PM
Have not been sticking to the list...I'm a loser, but unfortunately not of weight...i've been "kind of" sticking to the list, which is probably why i'm also still "KIND OF" HUGELY FAT...Like, I've been eating healthy, and trying not to eat too much, but I've given up on the list for now because I just feel like a lost cause and I'm really friggin depressed and shit....idk.  Like not yesterday, the day before, I made homemade chicken soup, which was kind of on the list, but it had things in it that weren't on the list (it was low sodium broth with chicken, spinach, corn, peas, and carrots)...Then, yesterday my family wanted to order in italian food for dinner, so I got a green salad (which had stuff that was not on the list - carrots, olives, tomatoes, etc., though I did throw out the dressing it came with and used my walden farms dressing) and some sort of balsamic vinegar grilled chicken (definitely not on the list) that came with pasta that I did not eat....

I'm 123 again, but I also got my period yesterday and tend to retain a lot of period weight (seriously, my belly gets all bloated looking, its gross), so I'm hoping that it's all water weight and will be gone soon...

So yesterday I was getting my nails done with a friend as a bit of a treat for myself because I was super crabby, and somehow the topic of height came up...Because she's dating a guy who's taller than her, I guess (way taller), and I said "what are you, like 5'3", 5'4"?" and she was like "No, I'm 5'5"."  Which was odd, because I always thought that I was 5'5", but I'm definitely taller than this girl.  So I told her this, and, when we get back to my house, we measure me, because we're nerds...we did it three times and...I'm 5'6".  I'm not 5'5".  Which makes my current BMI, at 123, 19.9, instead of 20.5....Wooohoooo I have an extra inch....lol i'm such a nerd.

My "friend" is visiting from boston...and she said we'd hang out a lot...she's been home for over a week, and i saw her once, and she keeps blowing me off....and the entire time that I saw her, she was flirting with my cousin...I feel all shitty and abandoned now.  Like we were supposed to hang out tuesday...i didn't feel well and really just wanted to lay around my hosue, but i STILL called her to see if she wanted to do something because I missed her so much when she was away, she didn't even pick up - i left a message and texted her, and she never got back to me.  Yesterday we were supposed to hang out, but then when I called/texted her she didn't answer again, shocker, and then an hour or so later I got a reply that she was busy all day.  Now she wanted to try again for today, but I refuse to call her - the phone works both ways...plus, I have DBT in a little while, she knows this, and therefore we were supposed to not hang out today and hang out yesterday and tuesday...So whatever.  Fuck that.  Lets see if she actually calls....

People are dipshits.


  • Aug. 13th, 2007 at 8:30 PM
I feel really shaky and anxious and freaked out....and i'm not really sure why...I had a full-fledged panic attack before my DBT individual appointment, i've felt shaky ever since and I can't seem to calm myself down...I feel all twitchy and am having hot/cold flashes and really do not like this at all....


  • Aug. 12th, 2007 at 12:36 PM

So, as is apparent by my posts lately, I've been in binge mode...and I haven't been able to turn it off...and I weighed myself this morning - 


That's right, One hundred and Twenty Five Fucking Pounds.

I am absolutely freaking out right now...I keep having panic attacks and crying and shit and I know it's stupid because it's "just a few pounds" or whatever, but I know how I got this way and I feel disgusting...I have stuff I'm supposed to do and I don't even want to leave my house.  I wish I could work out without re-pulling the muscle in my back - I burn a minimum of 500 calories per workout, but normally 750-1000 depending upon what i do...but that's a lot of calories to NOT be burning....

Fatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfat....nobody loves you because you are fattt and you cant control what you put in your fat faceeeeee....

Trying a different plan.  Don't know if it'll work, because i'm in binge mode, but it's worked before...where i have arbitrary random "safe" foods that I can eat as much as I want, but nothing else...Last time I did it, I think it was soup, wheat crackers, lettuce, carrots, and celery....and it got me out of binge mode because i would still pig out, but only on those foods, and then i got sick of them...so i'm going to try again with a little bit of a broader menu and hope to god that i can break the cycle of stuffing my face (last night, i ate BUTTER and SUGAR...*BY THEMSELVES* ::gag::)...

I can have:
-Quaker Oatmeal with splenda
-low-sodium broth-based soup
-raw broccoli
I will try to work out without destroying my back.

Lets see if this actually happens.

I lose at life...

  • Aug. 9th, 2007 at 3:07 PM

I suck at LJ and I suck at life.

Still trying to do some sort of damage control regarding the fact that i'm in fatty mcfat binge mode lately....ie: eating excessive amounts of low-cal stuff (celery, lettuce, etc) throughout the day as well as drinking tons of water to try to make myself feel full (as well as my fiber laxatives, those briefly make me feel full/give me no desire to eat) so that when it comes time to eat other stuff i don't shovel as much in...

Still fat, but it's kind of working.  I weighed myself this morning and I was back down to 122 from 124....Actually, all I've had so far today is a glass of skim milk when i had to take my medicine in the AM and a small decaf iced coffee with no milk and splenda from dunkin donuts...and some water...I know I should probably eat something to prevent myself from bingeing later, but I'm afraid to even go in the kitchen because that's where the food is and I don't trust myself around food.

Anddd I haven't exercised yet today because my back is killing me, just some stupid stretching which really doesn't burn jack shit calories...hopefully it'll feel better so I can destroy it again by working out...meh...

So tired of all of this.