I've been passing out lately. The first time was two weeks ago tomorrow -- I passed out at the top of the stairs, fell down the stairs, and hit my noggin. I still have some quality bruises. Yesterday I passed out in my den. Friday I almost passed out twice, but when my vision had started blacking out I managed to get to a chair/bed and stick my head between my knees...Lord knows I'm eating, everyone's been pretty much force feeding me since my little journey down the stairs (hence: getting fat. Super). I went to the doctor and had all kinds of tests/bloodword/CAT scans/etc. and they're not really telling me anything...except they did say that I need to get my coronic (sp?) artery test and echocardiogram redone because they "didn't come out clear enough," whatever that means.
This world seems like such a load of bullshit it isnt even funny....I kind of don't see the point anymore. This dude I knew as an acquaintance from school (I'm good friends with a bunch of his fraternity brothers) got into a car accident...It was just a fender bender, he was totally fine, but then, when he got out of the car to check the damage, he got hit by an 18 wheeler and fucking died...And its just so fucking unfair because this dude had so much ahead of him, he had such great things planned out, he was going to make such a difference in the world, so many people loved him, he was always smiling...and he gets hit by a fucking truck and dies...But while the good people are dying, my shithead abusive ex is reproducing...and while I was explaining what a load of bullshit this all is to a friend of mine, he mentions that a guy that we graduated high school with, who i didn't really know, except that he was nice, GOT SHOT IN THE FUCKING FACE AND DIED because some drunk guy was waving around a gun that he thought wasnt loaded and he accidentally shot the guy. There's no fucking justice in the world. None.
- Mood:
grumpy - Music:Fall Out Boy...emo rage!!
The train station is so fucking close.
I wish I had the balls to just lay down on the goddamn tracks and not get up until they scraped me off.
My entire body aches, and my eyes are so swollen they're almost swollen shut. I know i'm not going to be able to sleep again tonight.
I don't want to hurt like this anymore.
I just don't. Life is too much to tolerate, and none of it even makes sense.
It isn't fucking worth it. It's an endless lonely cycle of useless bullshit and misery....I don't understand the point in doing anything anymore, because it all seems so futile, just a waste of fucking time...Even the litle things that I used to do without really thinking...like showering, washing my hair...I legitimately don't see the point, because you're just going to get dirty again anyway. Shaving my legs? It'll just grow back. Forget makeup and hairstyling and making myself look presentable, I'm too depressed to even practice basic hygeine. I don't see the point in makeup anyway...I'm just going to cry it off. Doing laundry is useless. Wash the clothes, wear the clothes, wash the clothes again, wear the clothes again....Nothing ever lasts. Everyone is deluding themselves.
Can't sleep lately, yet can't seem to get out of bed either. Slept for three hours last night, and woke up two or three times during those three hours. Am currently typing this from my laptop, in bed....Eating has been a back-and-forth mess - emotional binge - feeling too sick to eat - shoving junk food down my throat without tasting it - not having the energy to lift a fork, much less chew and swallow...Emotionally I've been alternating between being completely dead instead and fits of sobbing, which have made my eyes very red, swollen, and owwie. I have not been fulfilling my responsibilities in any aspect of life. I didn't go to my cousin's engagement party, even though I'm a bridesmaid, because I didn't have the energy to get out of bed. Instead I stayed home, cried, and cut myself. I've been missing classes, and haven't been doing my work. I have an exam today, and I haven't done anything that's on it. I tried to start studying last night, quickly realized I knew nothing, started crying, and laid in bed with the covers over my head. I'm supposed to have two classes later. The exam is in the second one. The first one, I haven't done work for all semester even though we have weekly assignments that I keep "FORGETTING" to hand in (read: haven't had the energy/motivation to do). I don't want to go to either.
I'm supposed to call my therapist in times like these, but I don't want to turn my cellphone on.
So instead I'll just lay here and cry.
I don't think the desire to die has ever been stronger, in my entire life. If I had enough energy to move, I would go lay down on the train tracks right by my school. That's fucking easy enough, but, no, I can't move my fat ass because every muscle in my body is in excruciating pain.
I've met a lot of shitty people in my life...but I've never hated anyone as truly, madly, and deeply as I hate myself.
- Mood:
suicidal
I'm a horrendous person.
My ex boyfriend has been texting me. The one who used to rape me. Even though my parents found out what happened, and they warned him to never contact me ever again. I'm so fucking stupid, because I've been texting back. Even if i'm texting mean, nasty things to him, i'm still encouraging him.
And i'm still letting it get to me. I could barely sleep last night, i had to turn off my phone to make sure he wouldn't wake me up with calls/texts, and even then i had nightmares and flashbacks and shit. I feel so sick and miserable and I just want to die because I seriously think thats the only way that this pain will ever go away.
I hate him for making me relive this over and over again...but I hate myself more for letting it happen and for letting him get to me. I hate myself for being such a coward, and I hate myself because I'm so petty that I can't get over something that fucking happened ages ago.
I took tylenol Pm, to try to sleep and to maybe try to help with the nightmares...bc i didnt really sleep last night or during the day today, i've been too busy shaking and hiding in my room and crying. It should have kicked in, but i just feel kind of high and even more emotional.
I'm so pathetic. I'm scared to go to sleep.
- Mood: crushed
I'm 123 again, but I also got my period yesterday and tend to retain a lot of period weight (seriously, my belly gets all bloated looking, its gross), so I'm hoping that it's all water weight and will be gone soon...
ON A POSITIVE NOTE:
So yesterday I was getting my nails done with a friend as a bit of a treat for myself because I was super crabby, and somehow the topic of height came up...Because she's dating a guy who's taller than her, I guess (way taller), and I said "what are you, like 5'3", 5'4"?" and she was like "No, I'm 5'5"." Which was odd, because I always thought that I was 5'5", but I'm definitely taller than this girl. So I told her this, and, when we get back to my house, we measure me, because we're nerds...we did it three times and...I'm 5'6". I'm not 5'5". Which makes my current BMI, at 123, 19.9, instead of 20.5....Wooohoooo I have an extra inch....lol i'm such a nerd.
My "friend" is visiting from boston...and she said we'd hang out a lot...she's been home for over a week, and i saw her once, and she keeps blowing me off....and the entire time that I saw her, she was flirting with my cousin...I feel all shitty and abandoned now. Like we were supposed to hang out tuesday...i didn't feel well and really just wanted to lay around my hosue, but i STILL called her to see if she wanted to do something because I missed her so much when she was away, she didn't even pick up - i left a message and texted her, and she never got back to me. Yesterday we were supposed to hang out, but then when I called/texted her she didn't answer again, shocker, and then an hour or so later I got a reply that she was busy all day. Now she wanted to try again for today, but I refuse to call her - the phone works both ways...plus, I have DBT in a little while, she knows this, and therefore we were supposed to not hang out today and hang out yesterday and tuesday...So whatever. Fuck that. Lets see if she actually calls....
People are dipshits.
- Mood: abandoned
- Mood: disappointed
- Mood:
wigging out
So, as is apparent by my posts lately, I've been in binge mode...and I haven't been able to turn it off...and I weighed myself this morning -
125.
That's right, One hundred and Twenty Five Fucking Pounds.
I am absolutely freaking out right now...I keep having panic attacks and crying and shit and I know it's stupid because it's "just a few pounds" or whatever, but I know how I got this way and I feel disgusting...I have stuff I'm supposed to do and I don't even want to leave my house. I wish I could work out without re-pulling the muscle in my back - I burn a minimum of 500 calories per workout, but normally 750-1000 depending upon what i do...but that's a lot of calories to NOT be burning....
Fatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatfatf
Trying a different plan. Don't know if it'll work, because i'm in binge mode, but it's worked before...where i have arbitrary random "safe" foods that I can eat as much as I want, but nothing else...Last time I did it, I think it was soup, wheat crackers, lettuce, carrots, and celery....and it got me out of binge mode because i would still pig out, but only on those foods, and then i got sick of them...so i'm going to try again with a little bit of a broader menu and hope to god that i can break the cycle of stuffing my face (last night, i ate BUTTER and SUGAR...*BY THEMSELVES* ::gag::)...
I can have:
-Quaker Oatmeal with splenda
-low-sodium broth-based soup
-lettuce
-celery
-cucumbers
-raw broccoli
I will try to work out without destroying my back.
Lets see if this actually happens.
- Mood: crushed
I suck at LJ and I suck at life.
Still trying to do some sort of damage control regarding the fact that i'm in fatty mcfat binge mode lately....ie: eating excessive amounts of low-cal stuff (celery, lettuce, etc) throughout the day as well as drinking tons of water to try to make myself feel full (as well as my fiber laxatives, those briefly make me feel full/give me no desire to eat) so that when it comes time to eat other stuff i don't shovel as much in...
Still fat, but it's kind of working. I weighed myself this morning and I was back down to 122 from 124....Actually, all I've had so far today is a glass of skim milk when i had to take my medicine in the AM and a small decaf iced coffee with no milk and splenda from dunkin donuts...and some water...I know I should probably eat something to prevent myself from bingeing later, but I'm afraid to even go in the kitchen because that's where the food is and I don't trust myself around food.
Anddd I haven't exercised yet today because my back is killing me, just some stupid stretching which really doesn't burn jack shit calories...hopefully it'll feel better so I can destroy it again by working out...meh...
So tired of all of this.
- Mood: cranky
I try, I think I've stopped, and then I go and do it again.
I don't understand why I keep doing this.
I'm freaking out.
I have no control over anything.
I *LITERALLY* look pregnant.
I feel gross.
You know that mask that Hannibal Lechter wore? To keep him from eating people?
I want one to keep me from eating food.
I am so miserable right now.
- Mood: infuriated
I re-iterate, I am a disgusting human being. AND I have plans tonight to rent a movie or something with the dude I went out with the other night, and I feel bad cancelling...so I'm gonna have to suck it up and deal with it. If we watch the movie at my house, I'm turning up the AC really really high so that I can wear a big giant sweatshirt to hide my post-binge gut. I already talked him out of going to a block party, because I said that I was tired and didn't feel like drinking (which was true, however, the main reason i didn't want to go was bc i didnt want to be seen in public)...
I fucking hate this. I'm so sick and tired of myself...
- Mood: frustrated
My date was actually a lot of fun. I don't know how much I like the guy...he's okay, not really the type i normally go for (but maybe change is good, considering the guys I normally go for normally hurt me) and I don't know how much we really have in common, but we had a good time. I didn't eat all day before my date, figuring that if I was hungry it would be easier to eat in front of him if I had to...I had a few handfuls of popcorn at the movies, and then WE DIDN'T EVEN GET ITALIAN ICES, because the places were closed!! I was really relieved, but I think he felt bad. Then we went back to his house to hang out -- he introduced me to all of his pets, which I thought was really cute (i'm such a sucker for animals), and we just kind of hung out and watched TV and then My Cousin Vinny...And we made out, but just kissing making out, he didn't get any boobage (sorry, dude). Then he drove me home, kissed me goodnight...and he called me yesterday, too, so I guess he liked me. Now I am currently sitting on my ass around the house like a lazy bum, because I had to take my car to the dealer to get something fixed and now i have to wait around for it to be done. HURRAH.
- Mood: bored
I wound up feeling really sick soon after posting -- spent a while dry heaving into a garbage can (for those who don't know/don't remember, i have a weird phobia of vomit - like MAJOR, HUGE phobia of throwing up, i'll do anything to not actually let it happen...so that was definitely not fun for me), got horrible stomach cramps/burning, diarrhea...finally passed out wrapped in a blanket, propped up, with my garbage can next to me...disssssgusttingggg...I only slept for three hours or so and couldn't get myself back to sleep, but I also couldn't motivate myself to move so I read some of "I never promised you a rose garden" and did some latch-hooking, then went downstairs to watch some tv...but, yeah, today i was all hungover and I kept having to go to the bathroom...sucks, i hate stomach problems, they scare me. But I therefore got nothing accomplished today...
There is good news for this, though...I weighed myself this morning...3 times because i couldn't believe my eyes, i had expected to GAIN weight for whatever reason, and I was down to 121 even. Crazy -- i've been having such problems getting under 123 (even 122.8 was a big deal) for whatever reason. It was probably just a fluke because I was dehydrated from drinking, but seeing the numbers on the scale made me feel good...Granted, i didn't work out today and all i did was lay around, so in my brain that means that if i get a chance to weigh myself tomorrow (scale is in parents' room), i'll probably suddenly be back to 130. I'm neurotic.
Hope you're all doing well...
- Mood:
mellow
Maybe it was just the alcohol, but tonight I actually felt happy and good. It was a nice change. My mom yelled at me for eating (a HANDFUL of BAKED) chips before (MAYBE 80 cals worth, i counted them, there were only five), she was like "if you're going to eat why don't yo ueat something healthy?" and we got in this huge fight, it was really horrendous...I burnt off 750 calories working out and had a glass of skim milk and a few chips and she fucking yells at me. She said it had nothing to do about weight, it was just a nutritional thing, but that's not the point because i fucking hate when people examine what i eat - i hate restaurants, i hate eating in front of people, i hate it all...so i didnt eat dinner but i had some bread before i went out to soak up the alcohol and some alcohol and now i'm drunk.
When I was at the bar, my friends kept saying stuff about me losing weight and it made me feel really self conscious about my choice of outfit but kind of good at the same time. idk, it's weird to have someone be like, "wow, when did you get so TINY, missy?" because i feel like they're examining my body...i shouldn't have worn such revealing clothes.
Bahhhh whatever. Drinking water and going to bed. <333
- Mood:
drunk
Today is one of those days where everything sucks...it's been horrible, i've been crying, fighting with my mom, etc etc...I don't even want to rehash it right now. But one of my sisters sent me this joke, and it made me smile...and I figured i'd share it, because i think we could all use some amusement. I needed the laugh, bc otherwise I would have just spent the whole day crying...
x-posted
- Mood: amused
I need to get those potassium supplements (holler to
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
c0lormeplaid) ...And I also need to stop being such a dumbass.I'm listening to this song, and I like the lyrics, so I thought i'd share...
- Mood:
burnt out - Music:"She's Falling Apart" by Lisa Loeb
I hate this so much. I hate this all, I need it all to stop, I can't breathe, I can't think, I hate myself, I hate myself for being such a waste of potential and I hate what i've become, i hate how much i always hurt everyone so close to me and i can't fucking stop, i hate feeling like this....maybe a bath. I dont know im shaking i need to stop, i need to calm down.
I already cut myself. Barely helped. Freaking out.
- Mood: panicked....
Lost complete control of everything last night and fucking stuffed face with wheat pasta with pesto, peanut butter swirl ice cream, and pretzels. Proceeded to feel sick all night. This morning I woke up and had a packet of low sugar oatmeal (110), later i'm going to have my fiber/crystal light concoction (10 cals), and then my mom wants to get MEXICAN takeout food for dinner (eleventy billion calories)...Skipping dinner tonight would set me up for another latenight pigout shamefest on the kitchen floor (i know myself well enough, if i skip dinner altogether and there are leftovers in the fridge, i'm going to wind up sitting on the floor, eating them with my hands, like a disgusting cow...because, evidently, that's how i roll)...so i'm hoping that maybe i can find some sort of healthy thing, maybe grilled chicken with black beans instead of the lardy-ass refried shit or something...and just eat a little. Haha i'm so disgusting though, because I actually thought to myself "mexican? Well, at least it won't stay in that long..." I don't know, i suck at self control right now.
I'm miserable and fat and I hate him. I hate him for making me care about him so much when he doesn't give a shit about me, I hate him for making me want to help him and then ignoring me, and I hate him for getting me to constantly bend over backwards for him without even asking. I hate the power he has over me...When he's gone through rough times, I've literally prayed to God to give his pain to me so that he didn't have to hurt anymore. At the time, I always thought I was just being loving, but now I see that i'm just being a stupid doormat, because I don't think he'd ever do the same thing for me...And the only people who appreciate a doormat are people with dirty feet...
- Mood: frustrated
My room is a disaster area...absolutely disgusting...I sound like my mom, but I don't know how I live in this shithole, it's really gross and messy...Haven't put away clean laundry, have dirty laundry randomly around the room, everything's out of place...but i have no energy to do anything so i just keep avoiding it. The other day, my lightbulb burnt out and it took me three days to change it. In the meantime, I was just sitting in the dark. I am such a fucked up human being...what the hell...
I was going to be social today, i swear, i really was...I was going to call my best friend and see what she was doing, if she wanted to catch a movie or something...But her phone went straight to voicemail (which means that she was either still sleeping, in the shower, it was charging, etc) and I decided to not leave a voicemail and to come on here instead. Now I think i'm going to find something that will make me sleep and take it so I don't have to be conscious right now, because I am NOT in a good mood. Plus, if i'm not conscious, I can't eat.
Ambien doesn't work, though. I don't know why, it's never really worked for me, it makes me feel high and dizzy but it doesn't make me sleep. Tylenol PM and simply sleep and dramamine and pretty much anything else work better for me....
I just hate myself so much right now. I'm such a waste of life and I never wanted to be like this...
EDIT: After drinking (slash chewing) my fiber laxative/crystal light concoction, forcing myself to pay an overdue credit card bill, and popping 2 caffeine-free diurex, i feel slightly better about things. Part of the reason that I may be so grumpy/depressed is because my allergies are bothering me and i have a wicked sinus headache, which makes me feel justified in taking some sort of allergy/sinus medication and going back to sleep. I'm counting this time as actually using medicine to treat symptoms and try to make myself feel less sick rather than reacting to bad feelings with OTC drugs...it's kind of sad that i didn't even really see the difference at first...
- Mood: depressed
- Music:"Cannonball" by Damien Rice
